LUCIDITY
by deetatarant
Summary: chapter two: Jack figures a few things out.... fianlly.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is one of those random things set after season 2 and the daleks and switzerland etc.....Ianto has a few truly Lucid moments. Hope it's worked!**

_**LUCIDITY**_

_**Easter 2009: **_

_Well it's been a while........_

_Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Those moments though fewer are far more intense than I would like. I do not have the language to express how distressing it is to see him die and sit through those moments of waiting.... each time really is an eternity. I cannot breathe when he is dead. When I realised this I also came to accept that he was me, without him I may just as well be a ghost, some wondering ethereal thing without purpose. It took him leaving me to make me see it, not him dying. Perhaps the leaving is actually worse if that is at all possible. I do not know who I am any more._

_Ianto Jones, born August 19__th__ 1983, it really is another life time, my rosy childhood. I was so lucky to be loved so intensely that I truly believed that there was no bad in the world. I think Tad was always scared of the day that I'd learn the truth. I liken my childhood years to a form a dementia, half formed memories I can retreat too when the real world becomes too much. It often does these days. Why is the bad so much more omnipresent in my psyche? How is it that the tiniest thing brings my worst fears into sharp relief. It's paralysing some days. It is like the time when I was caring for Lisa in the Hub, the fear of being caught, the fear of her dying anyway, the fear of never being caught but being trapped in limbo with half a person that I could no longer even love. Jack was not the monster, I was and Lisa was. I should have put her down as she lay in that machine at Canary Wharf, it would have been kinder and.... well, you know the rest._

_It's strange that I can bare my soul to an inanimate object such as yourself, but I cannot talk to the man who holds my heart in his hands. I cannot tell him how truly afraid I am. That getting up each day makes my gut hurt with dread. I am not afraid for my own sake, you understand. It is the others, the ones I make coffee for, the ones who rarely see me for who I am because I never show them. It's not that I want to hide myself, I just do. It's like I wear a suit like armour, though Jack did tell me that he could gauge my mood according to the colour of my shirt. He says I look best in the dark red, perhaps those are my better days. Grey is never good for a whole number of reasons that I did not understand. I stopped wearing grey when I found out. Tosh liked the red too. When I wear it, I can think fondly of her shy smiles and the light in her eyes. I miss the light. Jack's eyes are so dull these days._

_We all carry a well worn look about us._

_I am digressing. I do not even know why I started this nonsense; I should be in bed with Jack, relishing the sense of him next to me, watching his sleeping breaths. It is such a rare sight to see him rest so completely, the only other time he looks like that is when he is dead. I think he knows that too._

_God where do I even begin?_

_I have seen some of the most beautiful and extraordinary things. All the crap aside, all the rubbish and pain.... forget it all. There are things out there that are just so inexplicably perfect they have made my heart ache. A music box a couple of weeks back....of course I had to lock it in the archive, but I made a recording of the sounds it made.... alien music.... literally so alien..... it was like it was playing feelings not notes. I sat and listened to it and it made me cry. The recording isn't the same, but I listen anyway because the memory of it was so perfect. Jack, Gwen and I sitting around Tosh's desk and listening and suddenly I had Gwen's hand in mine and Jack's too, they were holding my hands and we just sat there and cried as we listened. I have never felt such purity of feeling before, a brief defining moment. Moments like that make the whole Torchwood thing worth it. I sat at Tosh's graveside yesterday and told her about it. She would have loved it, a piece of tech created to give you happiness to make you have some kind of spiritual revelation. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I am glad of the experience. I count myself lucky to have seen such a thing. I suppose that is how I see Jack. He really will see all of time from this point on. I know he is daunted by the idea of eternity because all he sees is loss and loneliness. I understand that, better than he realises but I also see him, kind've like 'deep thought'. The idea that one being can carry all of history, can help shape it, make it better. I see that potential in him. Maybe it's because I love him, I don't know. I suppose I look up to him in the same way he looks up to The Doctor._

_I can see my own path clearly for the first time since I initially joined Torchwood. I know, one day it will kill me, it has taken so much and I was clouded by that for so long, but this isn't about Torchwood anymore, or Lisa or Gwen. It is solely about Jack. He needs to understand his own potential, he needs to forgive himself for surviving when everything else around him fades. I know I can help him begin to understand that. Some days I think I am older than he is, I wish I was. I wish he could be a child for millennia to come, in proportion to how long he will have to live as an adult and old man. Please tell me I am making sense?_

_One day he's going to read all of this and perhaps that will be when he figures it out.... Jack can be pretty dense sometimes. I love him so much, with no reason or anything else I understand behind it. I just do. He saved me. He saved me and if I can do the same for him..... there is no choice for me is there._

**Ianto sighed and closed the leather bound journal, locking it in the draw beneath his computer in his lounge. He leaned back in his chair and stretched languidly before padding back off back to bed to join his sleeping lover.**

_I'm not certain of the date, sorry. It's been such a shit week. My resolve is crumbling. I always believed that my faith in him would be enough to see me through this, but right now I have never been more doubtful, not of him, but myself._

_I was walking across the Plas, it was just such a lovely sunny morning so I decided to walk into work for a change. It's been months since I walked anywhere out of choice, just for the sake of it and it was wonderful. I stopped for a bit to watch the people going about their lives and somehow I found my gaze following a young couple with a small child walking between them. It took me a moment to realise that it was two men, each one had a tiny hand in theirs and they were looking at each other with such intense love that my breath was stolen from me. Family. I know I will never have that with Jack. I just assumed it would never be when I decided to make that commitment to him (though he doesn't know that I have). But there they were, plain as day, two guys with their kid I could see the rings on their fingers and I just felt sick with longing. That's the trouble with being bi sexual, you don't fit in with any category, you're not one thing or the other, but being with Jack even that label is taken away from me. I live for labels, it gives me an anchor, some sort of code I can live by. Right now, whatever book it is, is in tatters. I sound pathetic, even to myself. Suddenly I am having these human yearnings, things I haven't felt before not even when I was with Lisa, we were both career driven, more interested in exotic holidays than babies. I suppose I know deep down if I ever want to have a family I will have to leave Jack..... children would be an impossible burden to him and seeing them die..... I cannot imagine that kind of pain._

_So, my faith is shattered. I know the choice is made. I will not change it, but I don't want to be embittered by it either. Maybe Gwen and Rhys will have kids and I can be an Uncle, of sorts._

_Ok, that's the rant over with. I know it will come up again. My Mam often asks me if I have met I nice Welsh girl. I tried to explain about Jack, months ago, she doesn't seem to understand that her only son sleeps with his male boss who cannot ever stay dead. Well what I said was 'Jack's a boy, not a girl mam.' And I will stay with him until the day I die, she came back with, 'that's nice dear'. I still can't talk to anyone except you about him, especially now Tosh is gone. There's no one left to tell who I wouldn't have to Retcon after.... actually there's no one to tell. I can't even talk to Gwen; she still carries her own torch for him. I can't blame her; he has that effect on everyone he meets. I'm just glad it never makes me jealous, exasperated sometimes yes, but never jealous. I don't doubt his caring for me even when he sleeps with other people. Gwen did tell him off for that though; said it wasn't fair on me. Truth is I am glad he does sometimes go elsewhere; I don't want him to feel trapped with me. I know how possessive I can get. Gwen says I should have more self respect, personally I think she should keep her gob shut._

_I'm sorry.... I realised today, who you are behind these pages. I know it's you Tad. I still miss you so intensely, I know you're there too. I don't think I could confess any of this to anyone else._

"**Hey, Ianto! Coffee magic....please!"**

_Guess I should go and make coffee then. Did I ever tell you how demanding he can be?_

**Ianto sighed closing the book once again. He locked it in his desk. "Coming right up Jack."**

_I think I am still in shock; last night has to be one of the worst of my life. Jack died again. I know so he does that a lot Tad; but this was different. We were out chasing another bloody weevil and Jack got careless almost reckless and he ended up with half his guts all over the pavement. I managed to take the weevil down but then I got back to Jack and he was lying in his own entrails gasping for air. I held him with one arm and pushed his guts back inside with my free hand. I never realised just how slippery and warm intestines can be. All the while his eyes were focussed on mine, like he was desperate to see my face as he slipped away from me. I covered him with my coat and held on to him like I always do and still he looked at me with tears running over his cheeks and he kept mouthing the words 'sorry Ianto' whilst he was gasping for air. I could see he really didn't want to go this time even with the pain and the blood. So I just held him and kissed his face and sang to him. Remember that Tad, you always sang to me when I was afraid. I was so afraid then, I thought I would lose him forever this time. It took so long, so long for him to die and his fist was clenched in my shirt and his eyes..... They were so empty.... so dead. I had to close them. _

_I sat there in the rain on the concrete in this filthy alley with his body in my arms and I waited. Four hours Tad, it took him four hours and it was painful for him, the coming back, he was crying a lot when his body repaired itself. He clung to me so hard I thought he would break my bones. Then he just lay there in my arms watching my face and he was crying all over again. It felt like.... I don't know, like something had changed. I suppose I broke the moment because the stench of the blood and innards and my grief had sat in my throat for all those hours and I turned my head away and heaved up all over the pavement. I thought I was going to pass out. And Jack sat up pulling me into his arms and cradling my head. He kept apologising and kissing my hair like he needed absolution or something. The last time I saw him like that was when Tosh and Owen died. I've no idea how long we were sat there for, but I was cold and we were both wet through and I told him we had to move because it was getting light and we needed to get back to the Hub. We must have looked a right state when we got in because Gwen came running. Jack just gently pushed her away and kept his arms firmly round me. I remember him asking her to go home, and she did, without protest it seems. I was too far gone by then to care. I think I was on the sofa for a while then I remember being in the shower with Jack, nothing like THAT Tad, I don't think it was one of those moments. I recall him drying me and me running my hands over where his guts had spilled out earlier. His body really is amazing, the way it mends itself. It's beautiful too. Next thing I know we are making love on his bunk. Not the usual hard and fast or playful sex either. This was one of those times that gets burnt into your memory forever, every single touch and kiss like fire. I've never had anyone worship me like that before. Then he said something I never expected to hear, the three words Tad, I LOVE YOU. He kept saying it, with every kiss, every fibre of his body and soul and it scared the shit out of me because something has changed. I never expected to be loved back, I could not ask that of him, knowing that he WILL lose me one day. But there it is. He loves me. Perhaps he always did and I was just too self absorbed to see it. I am so scared Tad for his sake. Seeing him die like that hurt me so much. He promised after that he would try not to die again, I will hold him to that, maybe it's what he needs. Someone to tell him that his life does has value; it's not expendable under any circumstances. I wish I could give him forever Tad, I really do. Maybe one day I will be able to take him to meet Mam and then she will understand, just maybe._

**Ianto was not surprised to feel a comforting firm grip on his shoulders as he closed his well worn book and shoved it back in his draw.**

"**Come back to bed Yan. You should be resting."**

"**Be there in a minute Jack."**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Read chapter one so this makes sense.... Jack's POV of the alleyway incident.**

**TORCHWOOD 3 LOG BOOK: Capt. J. Harkness.**

**Personal notes.....**

It has been a strange reversal of our roles. Previously it was me who never slept. I would lay there in my bunk and latterly in Ianto's bed, with Ianto held tightly against my chest to keep his nightmares at bay, but I had rarely slept. Ianto had certainly had never caught me the act of anything deeper than a light doze. It was as if I had been waiting for something and therefore felt I had to remain constantly on alert.

Then I ran off with the Doctor.

Now, after my return I sleep like I'd never had a night of rest in my life. At first it was punctuated by startling nightmares that were a match for Ianto's own nocturnal horrors. Ianto had been extremely surprised, believing (somewhat naively) that I wasn't afraid of anything. He learnt that lesson quickly enough. It marked a significant turning point in our relationship. For a start I would talk, sometimes all night about myself, about anything, just to avoid going to sleep and Ianto would find himself soaking up all the snippets of information and hanging on every word of my stories. It was so endearing. Finally he started telling me some of his own and eventually we fell into a pattern where we would compare the events of our lives through little anecdotes from our earlier years. Mostly this lead to lots of laughter, occasionally some tears and sometimes a deeply uncomfortable silence, but soon it meant that there were no longer any secrets between us and both of us are the happier for it.

I guess I realised I had not only found an exciting and stimulating person to share my bed with, but I had also discovered a best friend, something I haven't had since joining the Time Agency. Amazingly Ianto stepped away out of this role when in the company of our team mates and I had had to watch on a number of heart stopping occasions when Ianto was put in the firing line. I have discovered an honest, deeply compassionate and courageous man in Ianto Jones whom I am wholly in awe of. I am completely aware that I often take advantage, rarely does Ianto complain, but when he does I know about it. Ianto has certainly learnt all the right buttons to push to make his feelings felt, without saying a single thing. It is extraordinary, he is extraordinary. Ianto puts up with my outrageous flirting and the usual Jack craziness when I try to get my way.

However, I've quickly learnt that the one thing Ianto wouldn't tolerate is me throwing my life away for the sake of bravado or just plain convenience. I think I've found the whole notion rather humbling especially after one particularly messy 'death by weevil'. As always Ianto had held me in death, in coming back to life and in me smiling that first resurrection smile. Ianto had not returned the smile that night. Instead he had sat holding me in a stinking, filthy alley in the freezing rain for four hours waiting for me to come back. I remember I had woken up to a sheet white face streaked with tears and my own blood. Ianto's dark pools of blue were as dead as my own eyes had undoubtedly been moments before. I just shuddered at his look and pulled him into a fierce hug, realising that dying meant just that, as far as Ianto was concerned. It was like a revelation for me. A kick in the guts. Ianto had got to his feet and tried to shy away from me, but having risen with him I was still holding on to him in an attempt to reassure him that I was in fact alive and likely to stay that way. The last time I had seen him cry like that was when Lisa had died. I vowed silently to try and avoid death, if only to spare Ianto from this grief every time I passed away. I really had no idea that he felt so strongly about it. He accused me of being careless and cavalier and I guess I am, after all it's not like I can die. He really yelled at me when we got back to the Hub and he was crying at the same time. I gotta be honest he really scared me. I thought he was about to dump me.... how selfish is that! I hate seeing him distressed, but when I am the cause, I just hate myself. Ianto doesn't deserve that kind of crap. He wouldn't be comforted either. He was so mad at me for not understanding that when I die, I really do die and it breaks his heart every time.

I'm repeating myself here...... I know ask too much of him. He takes all the crap that I throw at him, from my flirting, to my mooning over Gwen. I treat him so badly. I half wondered if he actually gets a kick out of being a victim, but I know that's not true. I know he's a decent man, I've known that for a long time and I am asking myself why the hell is he still at my side and fighting for Torchwood and me? Worst of all why do I continue to.... toy with him the way I do? I know the depth of his loyalty and his love and quite frankly I should be a hell of a lot more grateful than I am. He is so dignified, makes no demands on me and I know he loves me quite possibly more than anyone ever has before. Even when I hurt him and when he is angry with me, he still loves me. How did I get so lucky? How did I find someone so rare and so beautiful? And finally I figure out it isn't about sex and playing games. It's about little things like the fact he always knows when I need coffee, when Tosh would need to be held and when Owen would need an acerbic barb to get him through his day. Fuck, he even puts up with Gwen prattling on about her 'normal' life. The one Torchwood and I have snatched away from him.

Ianto has given me everything of himself and I so easily forget that he is so young, even if he makes it to eighty, he'll be young. I just hope he doesn't lose the ability to see the world with better eyes.

I read in his diary about the incident in the alley way. I am so sorry for that. I am sorry that he finds he can confide in a book that he seems to think is his Tad, rather than me. I remember his Tad and the shop and I also remember seeing Ianto in that shop when he was little. It's those big blue eyes. He must have been about four. I just dismissed them, they were a family, people I dealt with in the periphery of my life. I guess I was pretty bitter back then. Ironic that Ianto should become my family and yes he is that. I love him so much and I am stupid enough not to tell him, to make myself believe that I don't. Gwen bitched at me about being unfaithful to him. I think she finally realised before I did, what it was he meant to me. It's kinda weird. I've never done 'exclusive' until now. I know losing him will break me. I think Ianto knows it too. He's been trying to prepare for me that in some weird way. Not sure I am entirely comfortable with it. Either way I made the decision to try to live a normal life, move in with him at his flat and do ordinary stuff. I guess it is something I know I have to do for his lifetime at least. I'm in the here and now in 21st century Wales with a Welsh boyfriend. I owe him that much and I finally figured that I want to give him that.

I'm looking out of the office window and he's feeding Myfanwy. He loves that damn bird. It's a beautiful thing to see him so at peace when he's stroking her beak and singing to her, he's the only person she lets near her. I wish I could make him look like that.

**AN: a sentimental indulgence on my part..... **


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